Saddest Christmas

This is probably the saddest Christmas since my mother died. I felt so alone. Well, I'm literally at home, alone. No family members, no friends, nothing except a hairy-tailed creature who loves to chew my slippers. Last year, despite being just more than a month since I lost my mother, was different one. It was a lighter Christmas. Our relatives from abroad was here, my paternal relatives also visited us and it we had quite a happier celebration despite our painful loss. Now, I'm here, facing my laptop, writing this with some tears in my eyes. This made me miss my mama and Dingo. I wish they were here. I wish I was not alone. I wish I had some friends to talk to during this times. I wish I don't have to face the computer and visit the internet just to make myself busier and preoccupied. Christmas should be about celebrating the birth of Christ and spending it with our families and friends but where are they? I could curse myself for being this miserable on the most awaited season of the year but I just couldn't help it. I AM ALONE. Where is everybody? They are somewhere partying, drinking, having some good time without me. Yes, I am bitter. NOW. They never bother to call or text me. I have nowhere to go but to stay at home and look to that hairy-tailed creature at if reminding me that he's still here with me. Brimbo may never speak a word but the way he stares at me, the way he licks my feet, the way he sits beside me, it's as if he's telling me he will never leave me. Animals may have that kind of instincts that whenever I feel miserable, my dog would just never leave my side. At least, I have him.

 Some people say I'm short-tempered, emotional, easily gets pissed off on small things, snob, disrespectful. I could honestly say that only few can understand me 50% but never a 100%. I say something and they misinterpreted it and they start to say some blah blah blah's without really comprehending what I said. Some says I'm too serious and I couldn't force myself to join some nonsense, off the topic cracking of jokes. They even say I couldn't adjust myself to some people's personality. Yes, I'm aloof when strangers try to talk to me. My guard is on when someone not really nice approach me. I don't usually get along in some nonsense conversations and I don't like someone cracking some insensitive jokes. Yes, I maybe cynical at times, I'm stiff, I can't loosen up, adjust to other's personalities and don't let my mood swings, which is very terrible, ruin my day. But this is me. And maybe, with this kind of personality I have, I will always be alone. The inevitably painful truth.

I end this with a post from terminallykeith.tumblr. You can view the original post here. So here it is:

I stand alone.

I hate being alone for one reason, I hate the feeling of confinement and solitude. But times have changed, and solitude is the new thing for people afraid of trusting others. Afraid for a multitude of reasons, either personal or trauma or whatever.
We are constantly in search of companionship, and lucky are those who already have found their match. But for those who haven’t, it sucks. It pains. Yes, it is difficult to be alone, but it won’t kill you. So hold on there young child, have strength and just stay as you are. Don’t change for the benefit of others, but stay as what you wanna be. Because people who insist for you to change are people who don’t deserve you, your attention, your time and your affection., you might as well stand alone.

Good Night Everyone and Merry Christmas!