Tonight exactly one year ago..

I was in a hospital room, watching some boring shows in cable while my father was sitting on a chair, staring blankly at the walls of the hospital room. And the patient, my mother, has been sleeping for hours. The nurse come and go while checking the bottle where the excess liquid that was extracted from my mother's bloated stomach was still pouring on. My mother was not so responsive when the nurse or my father would talk to her. She would just mum something we couldn't understand whenever we ask something or if does she feel okay and comfortable with her senses. She would just fall asleep instantly. Little did we know it would be the last night we would ever see her alive. It would be the last night of her life. And I felt bad I never saw it coming. I mean, I know since she admitted in the ICU that God might take her sooner than we ever imagined in our life, because of her chronic illness but I was always hopeful that she will get better later on, that I will see the day that she will get up, on her feet, and walk by herself, that she will breath the fresh air and not the air from the oxygen tank.

I was hopeful that I will see my mother to have that same energy and vigor she used to have back when she was still much healthier. Back then, I was always hopeful. I always prayed to God to make her health better and to improve her health conditions and to finally heal. But I know God has a plan of his own. A better plan for all of us. That night, as I watch my mother sleeping, I could sense her suffering and the weariness in her face due to the battle she had been bravely fighting. I could here her breathing hard and I know its the discomfort from not being able to breath properly. A part of me was blaming myself for all that she had been through. My aunt told me that my mother was already giving up because we were already giving up on her. That night, I realized that she was indeed giving up. She is a mother and a mother doesn't want to be the cause of burden to her children. I know she was thinking that she is the mother, she should be the one taking care of us and not the other way around. I know she felt really bad for herself. And because of that, I blame myself. I am ashamed of myself. What kind of a child I am to give up on my ailing mother who brought me into this world and provided me everything I need and tirelessly taught me about the everything I never knew. If I could just take the time back, a year ago..I would have done a lot of things to brighten up her spirits and to tell her never give up. But a part of me says she's now in a better place. No more suffering, no more monthly hospital admissions, no more extraction of liquids from her tummy, no more respirator, no more oxygen tanks, no more fighting. She bravely fought the battle. She didn't lost it. She had lived a good life and that makes her a winner. She left a legacy her on earth. She will forever have a major place in my heart and I will never ever forget her. Her memories still lingers with us even if it was already a year since she was gone. She may be physically gone from us but I still believe she will always be with us forever. No one can take her place and replace her in my life. She will forever be my mother. The mother I may have not tell how much I love her everyday but I know she knows that I love her even though I wasn't always a good daughter. In that fateful day on the ICU, I finally said I love her so much that it hurts to thinks that God might take her away from us anytime, and also that she's the best mom in the world and If I had a chance to choose my mother, I would definitely still choose her cause she is the definition of what a mother is. She was a perfect mother despite her imperfections as a human. I pray to God that you're in heaven now and that he give you peace. Ma, wherever you are, I LOVE YOU AND I MISS YOU SO MUCH. A year may have gone, but I will never ever forget you..